"A simple sorry can turn the world upside down. A sudden, unexpected one can bring 1 litre tears of joy. A long awaited, never-to-come one can bring 1 litre tears of sadness."
Some self written saying.( -Collapse )
I saw something really shocking.( A message... of my former best friend...Collapse )
I have never expected this. I knew she drifted away, and I knew I still tried to save it, but she still chose to drift away. So I knew that it couldn't be that much my fault. At least I hoped so. I just couldn't explain myself what I could have done wrong.
Especially after surprise visiting her (she lives, or rather lived 300 or more km away) more than once. Though the last time I was really lucky to meet her there, because then I found out she was only there for holiday, to visit her family with her girlfriend. Since she moved to Berlin to live with her love.
I sure was lucky...
So I really hoped for some kind of explanation what I could have done wrong. Or what else was missing. I hoped I didn't do anything wrong but there always was the fear to be wrong about that aspect.
This message still couldn't tell me what went wrong that we ended up like this.
But she apologized, apologized that she had drifted away and still does, apologized that the apology might be too late, she simply apologized.
This means I can't have done something wrong,right? At least I'm still hoping, without any assurence.
Of course this message made me cry very much. I'm not sure if it was sadness about knowing the great time we had was over, long ago. Or if it was joy from hearing or rather reading this apology.
Maybe it was both.
On the other hand. There's still an apology I wait for these last 10 years. And I don't try to illusionize myself. I'm absolutely sure, this apology will never find its way to me.
Even if the person is sorry for what he did, for what he said, he will never say an apology out loud, nor will he write it.
For me, apologies can turn the world upside down. If something really terrible happened, when a person really deceived me, a simple, but truthfully meant apology can turn me all over. I can forgive in an instant, or at least try it.
But if someone really hurt me, and there are only saying about wrong accusation (like it is in another case) or like in the case I truly wait for and need to hear a simple sorry... if there's simply nothing at all and somehow a try to do like nothing happened... Then I simply can'r forgive, I can't erase or try to push these memories out of my head.
Those moments, those moments when I think about these circumstances, make me cry 1 litre of sadness, of grief.
This attitude can destroy relations.
Or simply stop hurt ones to heal.
These last 24 hours sure are something... Again such an emotional entry. Sorry for that. But after the tears I had to let go of that.
Thanks for enduring with my long texts of whining, whoever reads this.
And still playing Ho Ngoc Ha - "My Apology"
It really fits.
Such a song for example. An earnest search for forgiveness with saying sorry.... It could save relations.
So good night. Won't be awake that long anymore.